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Working in retail summarized:

  • Customer:

    I'm going to ask you a really stupid question.

  • Sales Associate Inner Monologue:

    How about you fucking don't.

  • Reality:

    Oh, go right ahead!

  • Customer:

    ....but this is less online.

  • SA:

    Then go buy it online and get the fuck out of my face.

  • Reality:

    Unfortunately we do sales and pricing separately from our online division.

  • Customer:

    HAHA sorry I know I'm just creating such a mess for you to clean up.

  • SA:

    leave.

  • Reality:

    You're fine, don't worry about it!

  • Customer:

    Wow, it has no price tag...IT'S FREE.

  • SA:

    If I hear that joke one more time I'm going to slug someone in the jaw

  • Reality:

    [roaring laughter]

  • Customer:

    Why is everything here so expensive?

  • SA:

    If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home.

  • Reality:

    It's high quality product from a desired brand.

  • Customer:

    [continues taking about the prices]

  • SA:

    I. DON'T. SET. PRICES.

  • Foreign Customer:

    You have this hoodie medium?

  • SA:

    ...did you fucking see a medium?

  • Reality:

    Unfortunately, everything we have out on the floor is all we have right now.

  • Foreign customer:

    So hoodie in medium?

  • SA:

    ....did I fucking studder?

  • Reality:

    No, we do not have that hoodie in a medium. Everything we have out on the floor is all we have right now.

  • Foreign customer:

    Well I want hoodie in medium.

  • SA:

    let me fuKIng KNit tHAT FOR YOU

nerdofchaos:

recreationalcannibalism:

the-adequate-gatsby:

stultifyandstupefy:

derpes:

And God said unto Abraham, “Abraham.”

And Abraham replied, “What.”

God said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, “The one whom I kiss is the one you seek.”

To which they responded, “Gay.” 

And thus, god made Eve. And she was bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious.

see you all in hell

hug-bees:

seaslaverysucks:

A 10-year-old goldfish named George underwent a successful 45-minute surgery to remove a life-threatening tumor last week. His Australian owners took him to the vet when they realized he was acting off. They spent $200 to save their pet fish, which the vet at Lort Smith Animal Hospital says can live another 20 years, if healthy.

George had to be given general anesthetic, so Dr. Tristan Rich had him swim in a bucket of water laced with anesthetic. When the operation was done, they put George in a bucket of normal water. He was given painkillers and antibiotics, and after a few minutes he started swimming around, good as new.

Sources: Lort Smith (Facebook); “A 10-Year-Old Goldfish Had Surgery To Remove A Tumor, Expected To Live Another 20 Years” on Buzz Feed

I shouldn’t be laughing but I am

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